Wednesday 8 May 2013

Where do I start..

Grief is so individual - that's one thing I've definitely learnt.  Nobody can tell you how you are going to feel - I guess this is your personal journey with you and your loved one.
But there are some themes and I think we're all struggling a little bit more now.  As the numbness and shock recede; it exposes the raw pain underneath.  I didn't think it could hurt more; but it does.
I miss her; we all miss her.  She was such a bright soul, so funny, so full of life and energy.  For me it feels like the lights have dimmed to almost nothing; that the colour's faded from the world; that life is a little less worth living.

But then snap! Shame on me for saying that.  Life IS worth living.  And I think of all the people who are struggling with any one of a number of terrible illnesses - what they would give for a few pain free days, to be able to see the beauty on offer, to be able to touch and feel things and live a life without physical pain.  This may sound trite; but it doesn't make it any less true.

I passionately believe that whilst we're here we have a duty to try our best to make the most of things, to love our loved ones and to make the world a tiny bit better for somebody somewhere.  We're all in this together really.

Chloe has died.  It's a fact; a brutal, raw, horrid fact.  But it is a fact.  And I knew early that it would be a struggle to turn the sadness into something better.  Something more worthwhile.

But when I open my eyes I see so much energy flooding into good causes all in our Chloe's name - many of them initiated by Chloe's friends and school mates.  Top of my list is the sponsored walk and all the other activities all initiated by Chloe's friends at her school St Philomena's .  They've raised a whooping £6,600 for the Royal Marsden in Sutton in just a few weeks.  And this has all been done whilst they were taking their final A Level exams.  Mass at St Phils yesterday was a very emotional time for me and Simon. Watching all these beautiful girls standing up and telling us what they did to raise the money.  Uplifting, inspirational and amazing.

We are so very proud of you girls!

And it's things like this that makes our light a little less dim, our word a little less colourless and life a little more worth living.  And there are many other things too: Roman's running now - not content with walking anymore - Hannah's the love of my life, and I now have all my adopted daughters (Chloe's bestest friends) to worry about).  There's Sarah's nursing; Olivia's play (she's so talented!), Koiswa's university choices, Big Chloe's childcare, Sophia's business studies .......  So much life and so much to do.  Thank God!

Girls I love being in your lives as you hold Chloe's soul for me.  I see her in all of your eyes and it's a beautiful, beautiful thing for me.  Thank you girls.

Look to the lovely - my message to myself today.


1 comment:

  1. Debbie you are as articulate and honest as ever. Whilst I can't say I always 'enjoy' reading your blogs, your pain is palpable, I do come away from them a different and better person. Rachel x