My Canadian friend Ali shared this photo. Ali's son has the same cancer that Chloe had; but thank God is doing really well and the prognosis is good. Yet, like all mothers of children with life threatening illnesses, Ali knows just how precarious our parenting job really is. The wrong set of circumstances and the baby elephant really can full. Forget all the stories of the power of love saving everything; sometimes nothing works. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you love, scream, pray, plot, work hard, want something with every cell in your body - sometimes the baby elephant will fall anyhow. Mother Nature - how cruel you can be!
The Mummy elephant will be left bereft and entirely powerless. Her reason for living, for getting up every morning, all gone. She'll be left dazed by the cruelty of it all, guilty that she didn't somehow do more, hideously empty and her big huge heart will be broken and permanently and critically damaged.
Whatever happens she will be changed forever.
But it's likely that she will get up and keep on going. I guess elephants, like humans, are programmed to survive. Even with the most crippling and intense pain, we are programmed to just keep limping forward. And so we do.
And every so often there is a little glimpse of light. And then, just for that moment, we are glad that we are still here. Our Roman's toothy grin tops my list here; but there are other lovely moments that somehow pierce the pain. A week in the South of France - crap weather but the most wonderful friends to share some fun and good times. I found it really strange that I could ever again have fun without Chloe; I had expected it to be a nightmare. A nice surprise for once.
And others - cuddling Ralph (Chloe's golden retriever) by the fire. He just seems to know when I need that cuddle; my beautiful daughter Hannah as we seem to be growing together again to care for each other as we understand the pain of this loss best of all; Chloe's friends who have become a huge source of comfort to me (and I hope I am to them too), the local church - still not really speaking to "God" - but pop in to light a candle most days and I love the peace of the building. There are also many sources of additional love and support should one want/need to tap into. The Compassionate Friends, I hear, is a wonderful organisation - run by parents who have lost children who have chosen to stay in the world and use their time to help others. These people are heroes IMHO.
Reaching out, connecting, staying part of the human race - it's all any of us have I guess. Oh and having a dog - that helps too.
In a reflective mood at the moment - so more ramblings tomorrow.
peace and hugs xxx
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