Sunday 17 March 2013

The day my life caved in

My beautiful daughter Chloe 25th January 1995 - 28th February  2013

My precious daughter died just one week ago; and the pain is indescribable.  It feels like a physical ache; like a tsunami of the soul.  It’s horrible.  I’m not sure how I’m ever going to survive this; but I’m going to try and I’m going to log my progress here.  I have no answers, no magic solutions – just a need to step gently hour by hour.
So what have I learnt in my one week as a bereaved mother.  Firstly that somehow a numbness comes in and cloaks you from the real intensity of grief.  Every now and then that cloak is pierced and it sends you tumbling into a spiral of the most searing pain possible.  And then you come out of it.  I don’t know how you do, but you do.   And secondly, and perhaps most importantly, think very carefully before you visit a loved one – especially a young loved one – in a chapel of rest.  It wasn’t what I thought it would be.  My beautiful beautiful daughter was unrecognisable – and there was definitely no soul there.  Comforting, I guess, as emphasised the fact that the soul really does go somewhere else.  I’m quite torn though.  I feel I’m letting her down if I don’t visit again – is she lonely, is she cold, does she feel abandoned? All nonsense questions as she isn’t there – but the mind plays very strange tricks. Anyway if anyone asked me advice on this I’d say do what you need to do; but you don’t need to visit.  It doesn’t always help.

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