Today I'm really sad. It feels like it's everywhere - all around me and deep within my body. Sad really really hurts. It feels like a physical pain - I never expected that.
It kind of starts in my heart and then travels down my legs. Every now and then I get spasms of pain that fill my whole being. My head thumps and my body feels like it's drained of all its blood of all it's life force. Nobody ever told me that grief can feel this physical.
How funny that anybody could think that people can just move on from this. Pull themselves together, accept the loss, move on. Ha! You try it. This is a pain tsunami that feels like it may never ever get better. I'm drowning, I'm suffocating. I don't feel alive, but my heart is still beating. How does that work?
I promised I would track my journey of loss truthfully. It's not a pretty sight at the moment and no hope just yet.
I'm really sad because I miss my daughter so much. I'm really sad because I loved her so much. So much. And then she died. I loved her and cared about her with every fibre of my body for 18 years; but she still died. How unfair is that!
So today I'm testing out ways to make the sadness not hurt so much.
I called my other daughter and that made me less sad. I walked my dog and that helped too. Maybe two tiny little shoots of hope? Who knows.
I looked at some photos of much happier times - but that made me more sad.
So I decided to be sad and wrapped up by the fire with a blanket and thought about my Chloe. Maybe I'm just going to have to be sad for a long long time. Maybe I'll always be sad.
Maybe the price of loving Chloe so much is a lifetime of sad. And as they say there are worse things than sad.
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