Wednesday 5 November 2014

A handprint on my heart

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

 Wicked - For Good Lyrics 

Such a poignant song for us.  The song one of Chloe's best friends, Olivia, sang at her funeral.  Olivia sings so beautifully/hauntingly.  And Chloe too.  One reason this song resonates in so many ways. The song tells of one friend who will go on to do amazing things; the other will be lost. 

 And that's how it is.

A memory springs up.  I'm crouching behind a bush at the singing teacher's house. "you aren't listening to me Mum!"   She was private, my girl.  A wonderful talent, but wanted to keep it private, even from me.  Still not sure why. They were special times sitting out there snatching a moment of her glory.  

"I'm limited",  such painful words that spear my already broken heart.  She was.  But only by cancer.

A song I heard a few weekends back with one of Chloe's best friends Sarah. We went to see Wicked. It was wonderful, painful, joyful, difficult - all those emotions all bursting out across the theatre.  Sarah is studying to be a children's onclogy nurse.  Wow.  I can't really write about Sarah without tearing up.  All I can say is that the NHS will be very very lucky to have her.

And as time pushes and shoves me away from my youngest child, I am indeed calmer.  I feel my life is building slowly and gently around the cavernous wound of loss.  Time heals; it is true.  But it only heals the intensity.  One just couldn't possibly survive at that level.  That, which is left, is quieter, gentler but, so sorry to admit, more deeply painful than anything else. 

 The finality of the loss sinks in.

"I'm limited".  I am and always will be.  But only by the death of my daughter.

Thoughts crowd my mind.  The song -  a momentary relief as I dive into the pain.   The words sharply reminding me that I too have not only lost a daughter; but a best friend too.

And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

So many discoveries in the landscape of grief.   My daughters are my best friends, my life's work, my everything.  

Like a handprint on my heart

 I have most definitely been changed for the better because I knew you.  

  My daughter Chloe.  My best friend.