Thursday, 8 May 2014

Some musings about nothing in particular

 I love looking at pictures of faces; especially when they capture feelings so perfectly.

So this is me.  This is me one year and two months after my Chloe died. Dazed, wonky, befuddled, muddled, deeply vulnerable, and a bit of a funny old mess.

Before Chloe died I would never ever have admitted to such vulnerability. Now, well, who cares.  It's almost like I live in a separate world anyhow.  Hard to explain, but with pain this deep, I seem to have floated up to a different plain.  It's not especially unpleasant; it's just a little less connected to earth.

Self protection I'm guessing.  Part of the process?  Who knows? It just feels kind of weird really.

But there's a certain relief too in giving over to vulnerability.  (btw check out the Ted lecture on vulnerability.  Wonderful!)   In my earlier years I tried so damn hard to craft the image of the tough professional woman - unflappable, cope with anything, full control .. you know the type.  Awful! Miserable! Never really worked; but I worked it all the same.

Almost believed my own hype for a while. Thought I could completely control life just by working harder, trying harder.

Boy did that one blow up in my face.  None of us really have any control.  And ill health teaches you that pretty quickly.  Great equaliser.

I tried very very hard to save my daughter. I really did.  I fought every day for three years.  I'd challenge any parent not to glue themselves to the internet, night after night, in the hopeless quest that just somewhere they will find the information they want to hear.  Something different from the information they've been given.

I had so much information - drowning in the stuff - but no control really.  That is in God, or whoever's, hands: not ours.   I'm sure I'd score top marks in a Mastermind episode though.  Specialist subject: Ewing's Sarcoma.  Jesus - never invite this woman to a dinner party:)

I never found what I wanted.  But I guess I'm glad I tried.  If nothing else Chloe knew the ferocity of my love for her.  She knew how much she mattered.  In my brighter days I feel maybe I was tested; and at the end of the day I came through ok. Not brilliantly; but good enough  It's important to capture this because when you lose a child like this, it's difficult not feel that you failed them in some way.  And I don't think that's a helpful feeling and I have never witnessed a parent who didn't fight like a tiger for the child they knew they were losing.  It's love in it's most pure form.

In my darker moments I feel the most overwhelming sadness for what Chloe has lost.  Those heady days of university; first love; holding her first baby; exciting career; growing old with somebody she loves; family dinners - and all the rest of the wonderful thing we call "normal"life.  We had her for 18 wonderful years; but she's lost all those years ahead.  It is so sad; nobody can deny that.

Everything is changed. That's for sure.

But there are good things too.  I got such pleasure today from calling a friend who's struggled with depression.  I know how important those calls are. And I know now when depression has you in its grip one also has no control.  "cheer up" "pull yourself together" - totally meaningless.  You can't and you just have to let it play out.  I know that now.

 I've made new friends by opening up and I see that these people will become very precious in my life.  I'm so much more of a mess than I was before; but I kind of think we're all a bit of mess anyway and if we all admit that a bit more we may all connect that little bit more.  And connecting is the one thing that makes me feel that tiny bit better.  So a win win situation I feel.

People need people. That's for sure.

Thank you so much to the bereaved who write to me and share your stories.  I hope that my honesty helps you a little tiny bit.  You are magnificent.  To lose a child/or that special person and to just get up in the morning and make breakfast.  That's what I call guts. Write to me any time.  I read everything and will always try and reply debbie.binner@onetoonecomms.com.











Wednesday, 19 March 2014

A continued quest for meaning in despair

“The pessimist resembles a man who observes with fear and sadness that his wall calendar, from which he daily tears a sheet, grows thinner with each passing day. On the other hand, the person who attacks the problems of life actively is like a man who removes each successive leaf from his calendar and files it neatly and carefully away with its predecessors, after first having jotted down a few diary notes on the back. He can reflect with pride and joy on all the richness set down in these notes, on all the life he has already lived to the fullest. What will it matter to him if he notices that he is growing old? Has he any reason to envy the young people whom he sees, or wax nostalgic over his own lost youth? What reasons has he to envy a young person? For the possibilities that a young person has, the future which is in store for him?

No, thank you,' he will think. 'Instead of possibilities, I have realities in my past, not only the reality of work done and of love loved, but of sufferings bravely suffered. These sufferings are even the things of which I am most proud, although these are things which cannot inspire envy.' "

From "Logotherapy in a Nutshell", an essay” 
― Viktor E. FranklMan's Search for Meaning


I am now onto my third reading of Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning.  A jolly read it is not! But it is another book that allows me to retain some hope that there is meaning in life and maybe it's even helped retain my sanity a little.

 Frankl is a Holocaust survivor and went on to return to work as a psychiatrist. He lost everything but went on to live a rich and compassionate life.  Insightful doesn't nearly cover it. A totally amazing human being. A wonderful book.

Yesterday was a bad day you see.  Generally I fight hard to stay upright; to stay engaged with life to fight on for those I love and who love me - and maybe even a little for me too.  But yesterday the gloom won and I sympathized with the view that "nobody can really live again after loosing something as deeply precious as a child" - and what a child/young woman she was.  That dark view, that any kind of hope, contentment, or just even a tiny glimpse of happiness, just  isn't really possible after all of that.  I understand that - sometimes.

But I want to fight against it too.  It just can't be right.

But the gloom seems to rise up with it's roaring inferno of pain; flinging me back into the darkest despair of those early days.  How did this happen? where's she gone? Why her?  Where is the meaning in this?  I will never see her face again, feel her soft young skin, hold those beautiful slender hands.  Oh her hands. How I miss those hands. The hands I held night after night as I slept beside her in those last weeks.  Glancing back timidly I now realize the importance of those weeks; the magic; the wonder of loving somebody so entirely/ so completely that it absorbed every fiber in my body.

I have never done anything more worthwhile in my life; and never will.

I was/am so proud of my daughter.  The way she coped; the way she still wanted to protect me, her family and friends from the real pain that she must have been feeling.  She seemed to accept that we were ultimately totally helpless and couldn't help anymore.  All we could do was love her and that was the only bit that was so incredibly easy to do.

And now I'm aware of the necessity/wonder of love and kindness; but also it's limitations.  Nobody can take my pain away. I accept that  I can talk to all the therapists in the world; attend all the self help groups, talk to other bereaved parents, read and read, cry and cry....... anything, everything.  But the deep gnawing pain is here to stay; it isn't going anywhere.  And I recall the words: "The pain of the loss is equal to the depth of the pain". And I get it.

There's a huge benefit in seizing the personal responsibility and accepting that nobody can really help with the loss; but conversely that means you can rob them of the power to hurt too.  And this is for you my fellow bereaved - don't let words hurt you; you've suffered enough.   People often just don't know what to say; so all the wrong words come out. We have paper thin skin for now and life isn't really meant for skin this thin.  I believe passionately in the goodness of human beings - I've seen far too many examples to believe otherwise.  Words may be ill chosen; but look for the sentiment behind the words.  Look at the tears in their eyes and know that people do care - it's just none of us really have any control when it comes down to it.

And if there are no tears - well that this their problem.  It most certainly isn't yours.

Now is a hard time for me but I guess life will soften again as it has before.  I look back to Frankl “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”  So I guess that this is now the challenge.  To live with the pain; but to ensure that there is meaning too.  That's what Chloe did and that's what I must too.

I guess a drive that helps me deal with the darker days is that need to turn the pain/the sadness into something more positive/some kind of inspiration - however small.   Chloe was far too precious for anything less. 
















Saturday, 8 March 2014

One year on.

 for anybody who is bereaved 

Our first anniversary

As my little wise Chloe would say Elizabeth Kubler-Ross "knows s**t".  If there is one person who I would recommend as the "go-to" person for coping with bereavement it would be her  Her writing is beautiful and uplifting.  It provides a familiar blanket to smother the pain and provides signposts to a kinder path. Sometimes, for me, grief feels so harsh and almost punishing.  That softness is so appreciated.  When my pain overwhelms and engulfs me, as it does, I tend to turn to her words for comfort.

So there I was arrogantly thinking that "I don't do anniversaries" and "I don't generally even know what day it is.  Everyday is difficult.  It's just another day.".  Bulls**t!  If only I had heeded Elizabeth's warning that even if we don't acknowledge an anniversary consciously; the sub-conscious will make damn sure we don't get away with it.  She refers to research from very young children in children's homes; children too young to really understand time.  On the day that marks the year that they were put into care; the children nearly always really struggle and their behaviour deteriorates sharply.

Their soul remembers the day; even if they don't.  God, if life wasn't difficult enough for these children.

Back to cancer - I remind myself that children in childrens' homes get cancer too and so do those from third world counties.  Just because you've already won the negative lottery of life and had an appalling start in life; doesn't mean that you won't get cancer too.  Great life isn't it.

  I heard many stories of young people coming in for cancer treatment with no parental of family support.  The mums and dads on the ward would do their best; but what ever happened when they went home?  This idea really haunts me.  This is also definitely worth a look  www.worldchildcancer.org.  Just a flick around this site makes me realise how much worse our journey could have been.  Accessing the proper medication for palliative care is a real challenge in some countries.  Jesus how horrendous would this be!

So one year on and my thoughts are coming together.  Our aim, to turn our pain into something inspirational, something positive, echoes in the background.  But there are so many questions.  Chloe was blessed in that she was so loved and so protected.  How can we use this passion, this energy to start our own little movement in her name. How do we help others and where should we focus?  So many people, so many young people, want to help.  All that passion; all that energy.  It needs to build and unite around something with clear objectives.

My background in communications tells me loud and clear "manage expectations!"  Start small and have achievable aims.  Yes we want to raise thousands for research, yes we want to help children in less developed countries.  Yes, yes, yes!!!  I flinch at my arrogance.  We just aren't big enough for that.  And yet "it takes just one person to change the world" - and even if we change the world in a tiny tiny way - make life a little better for just one child, one young person - maybe that's enough?

So Chloe's second Mum, Rosemary Ridgeway - my rock throughout the whole of Chloe's illness, death and way beyond - me and some of Chloe's dearest friends have set up our Foundation  Create for Chloe.  Our thoughts are taking shape and here are some of our musings/observations - Cancer Research has an appalling record for investing in cancers that affect young people and children.  Reminds me I need to cancel my monthly payments.  Teenage Cancer Trust is brilliant as are others; but  IMHO, larger organisations sometimes loose the passion and purpose that they are set up for and start serving the staff more than listening to the people they are trying to help. This isn't a criticism; just a fact of life.  So we want to start lots of conversations - with our local hospital The Royal Marsden, other charities big and small - where can we pump prime other projects that are failing because the funds are drying up - speak to the children, the teenagers.  Cancer is expensive; very expensive.  I've seen families loose their child and then their house because they had to give up work to care for their child.  I've seen children struggle to afford a prom dress as Mummy can't work any more.  God I've seen so much additional distress because a family was facing financial hardship on top of everything else.  We want to start by listening to people and seeing where our passion, our energy and our funds can help a tiny bit.  And I'd love to hear from anybody who reads my blog - NO project is too small - pls email me on debbie.binner@onetoonecomms.com.if you have any thoughts.

And in the meantime we will carry on "banging the policy drum".  Treatments that are 40 plus years old; access to new treatments denied to children and young people as they are "too risky" or "not commercially viable", 900 new drugs coming down the pipeline for cancer; NONE of these are for the cancers that affect children and young people....... So much to do.

I read about another small cancer charity the other day and it's catch line was "A small charity; with a big heart".  This sounds just perfect to me.

Keep you posted




Tuesday, 4 March 2014

What if she was mine - House of Lords Feb 24th 2014




What if she was mine?

Photo: #createforchloĆ« 󾬓󾬕󾬑
Team Chloe at the House of Lords 

This is my speech from the House of Lords on Feb 24th 2014.  I spoke in support of the Medical Innovation Bill.  The Bill has been launched by Lord Maurice Saatchi following the death of his beloved wife Josephine Hart.  Lord Saatchi spoke at the event as did Chloe's amazing friend Michael  (Mike)Thomas.  I will ask Mike to post his speech too.  It was an amazing day and there was a feeling that support is growing fast for a whole new approach to the treatment of rarer illnesses; such as the type of cancer that Chloe had.  Very very touching that team Chloe was there for support: Sarah, Chloe, Mike, Rosie, Liam, Sophia and Jael.  That felt so special and so important.

You can listen to the speech here.  Sorry about the quality. Better quality version coming soon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqF6ELQPNB0&app=desktop

Today - out there somewhere - a teenage girl is about to hear the worst of news. Whilst her friends fret about which hot boy fancies them; or how popular they are on the latest social media site; this poor girl will be told that she has cancer.  And her world, and that of her family, will fall apart.  
Imagine the unimaginable…    ask yourself what if she was mine?

Seven people between the ages of 13 and 24 are diagnosed with cancer every day in the UK.  Leukaemia is the most common cancer in this age group followed by Central Nervous System tumours.  The cancers that this group tends to get are very different from the type of cancers children or adults get; they are also nearly always the most aggressive.

So, back to our teenage girl.  Today will be the worst day of her life - what lies ahead for her?  If she’s “lucky”, and I use that term ironically of course, she will have Leukaemia.  The treatment will be horrendous; but she’ll have a good chance of survival.  The treatment of leukaemia has been one of the few success stories in the cancer world.  In the 1970’s Leukaemia was a certain death sentence; but now almost 90 per cent of children and young people survive.  

But what if she has one of the other cancers; such as bone cancer or neuroblastoma?  The horrors that lie ahead for her here are beyond your imagination.  Let’s go for bone cancer.  There are two main types that affect teenagers and children: osteosarcoma and Ewing’s Sarcoma.

And the problem with bone cancers is it’s in the bones and - if you’ve ever broken a bone yourself or had any kind of bone issues - you will understand why bone pain is known as the worst of all pains to have.  Relentless and agonising and it’s only the really heavy duty painkillers that have any effect.  

Despite this, most adolescents with bone cancer are dismissed by their GPs as having a variety of other illnesses from growing pains to juvenile arthritis; mis-diagnosis and delayed diagnosis are very very common with teenage cancers.  I guess teenagers just aren’t supposed to get cancer - and GPs are as guilty of that bias as the rest of us.  

Once diagnosed they are given a cocktail of various drugs. Methotrexate, ifosfamide and etoposide- common chemotherapies in bone cancer - are known as the worst available. The drug cocktails they use for bone cancers, and the accompanying  short and long term side effects, wouldn’t be out of place in a script for Silence of the Lambs.  

Complete hair loss at 15 must be so hard.  But believe me that’s the easy part.  Life threatening infections, weeks in isolation in a hospital room with no window, premature and irreversible menopause, heart failure, kidney failure, nerve damage, shingles - that’s a bad one - and to top that all off, the treatment itself may create a secondary cancer.  A doctor once said to me that early 21st century chemotherapy treatments will be regarded by future doctors with the contempt that today’s doctor’s reserve for leeches.  They kill the cancer alright; well in the short-term at least; but they kill a lot more as well.  

And as if they didn’t do enough damage to the body; they kill the spirit too.  

Once again I ask you to imagine what if she was mine?

A bone cancer diagnosis when you’re only 15 isn’t the best of news.  If you’re lucky you’ll avoid amputation of one of your limbs.  But even if you do, the brutal reality is that your chances of survival are pitifully low.  You may naively expect your doctors to roll up their sleeves and assure you that they will throw everything they can at this.  You’ll expect no  stone to be left unturned in trying to find you a cure.  You’ll think any promising new treatments will be made available - if not here, then maybe in the US…...

But this won’t happen!  Your doctors will probably avoid your eye contact, and sometimes even avoid you altogether!  Your doctors will talk about processes and protocols.  They won’t tell about a promising new treatment that was pulled years ago by a pharmaceutical company because kids/young people’s cancers just aren’t commercially viable. The story of a drug, an IGF1 inhibitor called Figitumumab is an especially good example of this disgraceful behaviour.   Look deeper and you’ll find that the treatments they’re proposing for you are over 40 years old; and the protocols are over 15 years old. Few new treatments are available and - even if there are any - you are going to have to be extraordinarily lucky, or have enough energy left and the right high level contacts, to get on to them.  God help you if you are running short on either.



The few clinical trials that bother to include the rarer type of cancers that young people and children get will, almost without exception, have bizarre entry criteria that make no clinical sense whatsoever.  Such as a trial for a cancer that predominantly affects people aged 15 with a lower entry criteria age of 18.  You couldn’t make it up.  

You may well look into your doctors eyes and shout, scream, complain, plead and beg.  He may well be sympathetic; he may well be very kind and really care about your child. But he may well do absolutely nothing and rest wearily back on a tried and tested extremely conservative system that has some pretty strong evidence to support the fact that it is very unlikely to work.

That child was/is mine.  Her name was/is ChloĆ« and she died a year ago today this Friday when she was 18 years and one month old.  She was popular, self assured, charming and very very beautiful both inside and out.  She was blessed in that she was loved so much and her death has left the deepest hole in so many people’s lives.  A few of those people are here today.

Sometimes I dare to imagine the imaginable.  What if six months before ChloĆ« died, in August 2012, when all hope was almost gone, she had been entered into a Special Category that doesn’t exist; yet desperately needs to exist.  A Special Category where all bets were off.  All the rules no longer apply and all the prudent methodologies of the medical profession and indeed the Hippocratic Oath itself need to be swept off the table and left to smash onto the floor.

Once ChloĆ« had only got six months or so left to live, how could any radical potential new treatment have been defined as too risky or too dangerous?  These words - risky, dangerous - are utterly meaningless in this context.    

What if the doctors tried something different; something new, something promising?  ChloĆ« may well have died anyway.  I accept that.  But surely what she would have left behind would have been more clinically valuable to other children to other teenagers - are most precious commodity.  And for us maybe we could have kept a little faith a little longer.

Of course we didn’t want her to suffer more.  Although it’s important to remember that dying of cancer isn’t a walk in the park.  And there is always a risk of making things worse. I know that.  And of course things have to be done with caution and with great care.  But there are drugs coming down the pipeline that are showing huge promise - Professor Andy Pearson at the Royal Marsden refers to now as the golden age of drug development - we desperately wanted hope; ChloĆ« desperately wanted to live.  She didn’t want the medical establishment to give up on her, and neither did we.

She didn’t get those new drugs.  So, the only medical advance resulting from Chloe’s death was re-proving for the zillionthth time that an old protocol with old drugs, doesn’t work. No useful contribution to medical science there, then!

There’s a huge problem treating rarer cancers and rarer illnesses - the very fact they are rare means that there isn’t enough data/enough people to test new treatments.

Even if ChloĆ« had died anyway whilst on some new esoteric untested and ‘risky’ treatment, her death would then have helped advance the science in that new arena.  Her death might then have given a greater survival chance to the next poor girl who gets diagnosed with cancer today.

We desperately need this new Special Category so that doctors can try new radical things when they know the existing drugs don’t work.  We need to support this Medical Innovation Bill.  It is the right thing to do.

I cannot have my dearest wish to have my daughter back with us.  So I’ll go for my second wish to use my family’s story to ensure that the next Chloe who comes along, and so sadly she will, will have a better chance of life.

Thank very much for your time.

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

shifting shapes


Shifting shapes



And so almost a year now since she left.  A year that has felt so long and yet short; so dark but occasionally bright.  A year of despair, but with some hope.  A year of changes that's for sure.

My Grandmother had many sayings.  The Irish do.  "There's good in the worst of them and bad in the best".  She was funny my Grandmother.  Funny and a little mad.  The Irish often are.  Guess I could add there's good in the worst of times and bad in the best.  There's been so many things this year that have been good; yet set against a backdrop of deep dark sadness.  But somehow the good bits are brighter against the dark.  Like stars in the sky - if you look up they are there and they are beautiful. 

They told me a lie early on; well it was a lie for me anyhow.  They said that it gets worse.  That once you've lost a child happiness and lightness have gone forever. Life is now just bleak, bleak, bleak and that the second year is even worse than the first.  Maybe that's to come, who knows.  But for now the gloomy forecast hasn't come to pass. Well not for me at least.  

I don't think that anyone should have said this.  I promise never to say this to anybody.  In those first days as you take your first shaky steps back into the world, terrified that you will never walk again, never smile, not survive, that is not a good thing to say.   And, for me at least, it isn't true.  Thank God. 

I know people who are bereaved read my blog.  And this is for you my dear friends.  Life has got better for me.  From the darkest place of all - a Mother loosing a child - I am coming back to life.  Very slowly but the little shoots are there.   I didn't think it was possible; not sure I wanted it to be possible.  But I did want it to get better.  I didn't see the point of staying in this world if it didn't get better.  And I had my beloved little family to think of.  It had to get better; I had to make it better.

But there is a struggle with this.  A new friend, who I like very much, sent me this from one of Cormac McCarthy's Western novels.  How I love words and I love the sentiment here.  My friend also lost his daughter. 


 'he said that while it was true that time heals bereavement it does so only at the cost of the slow extinction of those loved ones from the heart's memory which is the sole place of their abode then or now. Faces fade, voices dim. Seize them back, whispered the sepulturero. Speak with them. Call their names. Do this and do not let sorrow die for it is the sweetening of every gift.'
 

I know what he means; but I don't entirely agree.  I was so very proud of my daughter Chloe.  She had/has such a bright soul; a light spirit.  She was/is just wonderful to be with. She seemed to radiate something.  I still don't know what it was exactly, but people loved/love Chloe very much.  I loved/love her totally.  Entirely. 

Chloe stuck two fingers up at cancer and was deliciously naughty and revelled in doing things despite her illness. "I've never treated a teenager who is drunk...... and on chemotherapy," said the junior doctor with a grin when she was admitted to Mayday Hospital after a particularly wild night out.  I was cross, of course :) Made her even more adorable.  

Such spirit doesn't just go away.  It can stay.  Something very strange seems to happen.  I remember the same thing happening when my beloved Mother died when I was 20.  Many years later now I look in the mirror and see her face/her soul merging with mine. She's still here with me.  And Chloe is taking root in my soul and my heart. And this feels lovely.   I find I don't need a stone, ashes, memorials to find her - I have her with me.  In my heart.  Maybe trite; but true. 

Of course the darkness closes in sometimes.  It rises up like a furnace sometimes engulfing me with a red hot  grief.  How has this happened?  Where is she?  A kind of rising panic.  But it now cools again a little more quickly and settles back into this calmer, deeper feeling.  "I'm here" it whispers.  And I feel she is.

There are two Mothers and families in my thoughts and prayers this evening.  You know who you are. You are simply amazing.

Chloe and Roman x




































Saturday, 1 February 2014

Why we need to support the doctors who want to innovate and improved access

http://saatchibill.tumblr.com/

Please take a look at this.  Explains perfectly why I fight on to improve treatments for other young people.  can't think of anything more worthwhile or important.


Thursday, 26 December 2013

A Chloe-less nightmare Christmas



Christmas; a time for reflection and a total nightmare

I always said I'd try and write honestly as I  share my journey.  Firstly because it helps me to write and secondly I want someone somewhere to feel a tiny bit better because they know that somebody else is feeling things that are just too unpalatable to share with a general audience.  Isolation is a big problem for us mourners.  Worse of course when it's a child.  Most people just can't deal with the enormity of that kind of loss. The simple truth is they just don't want to keep hearing and quite frankly I don't blame them.

This time of year Christmas parties, which I used to love, have become no-go territories.  "How many children do you have:",  "how was your year" such harmless questions feel, in my situation, like being stabbed with full force into the guts.  It is agony.

And then, God forbid, I answer and say "pretty crap year actually. My 18 year old daughter, the love of my life, died of bone cancer one month after her 18th birthday.  Before that she spent three of those tender, wobbly years of adolescent going through every single torturous medieval cancer treatment all of which was actually devised 40 years ago ...........

Those three years were characterised by loss.  Loss of hair, peace of mind, fertility...... and many many other things.  Those losses were hers alone to bare.  But the final loss is ours.

Bit of a conversation stopper however you look at it.

So no parties for me this year.

I haven't written for a while as I didn't have anything interesting to tell you.  Life had kind of settled into a more constant gnawing emotional pain; interspersed with odd moments of contentment and maybe,even, a glimpse of possible joy.  The happy moments have felt so vivid in contrast to the constant background of grim grief.  Loosing a child in not for the faint hearted.  Believe me!  I have needed every ounce of strength and energy just to get up each morning.  The journey to some kind of distant sanity is as harsh as grinding, as terrible as one can possibly imagine.   Can I get there?  I don't know.  Do I want to get there?  I don't know that either.

I'm often struck by an overwhelming to desire to press an imaginary re-wind button.  Please could I start again.  Please could I have another life.  A life that doesn't hurt quite this much.

I remember I couldn't believe that childbirth hurt quite so much.  Why did nature make something so natural hurt so much.  Never got that.  But this! Oh this is in a completely different league.  Sharp, stabbing, deep, gnawing.  No location, just everywhere.  Although the tenderness in the heart and in the belly is the worst.  My child who grew in my belly.  My child who was part of my heart. My child: my child.

I like this picture.  It captures my mood and that makes me feel less isolated.  The tear; the hands cushioning the face.  The hands gently stopping the words.  The words don't help and sometimes  they feel too ferocious even for me to bare.

Christmas is not a good time for the bereaved. So obvious; but so true.  Christmas is for our children so whatever are we left with when they aren't here?

Again I lean on my wonderful friends and I wonder how much more I can keep taking.  I feel greedy for love have a paper thin skin to any real or imagined hurt and know I have lost a huge hunk of my spirit.  A faded version of my former self I fear.

I don't know what happens from here.  The first Christmas without my daughter really really hurt. More than I had imagined. I only hope I find a little peace in the New Year and move on with my plan to do something marvellous in my survival and in my daughter's name.  She was too magnificent for anything less.

Oh and one thing us bereaved need to say our loved ones name.  Please don't turn away.  For me it is the most beautiful name in the world Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, Chloe.....

Aw now that feels a little better.


Merry Christmas all and my heart is with you if you too are suffering some loss this year.  I hope we all feel a tiny bit more positive in the News Year xxxxx